Om Namah Shivay

8/15/13

Om Namah Shivay. So much is happening inside me and my life. The spirit is pouring it on, which is fine with me. How tragic, huh? I want to say it's the pinnacle of experience, but I can't. To be honest - and in this I know that if you aren't ready to be honest, forget it - I now realize that my experience of God has been as complicated as any of my other close relationships, and as a result, just as unsatisfying. All this writing and meditating and praying I do to realize for the first time the potential for fulfillment. It sounds like failure, but it's really a testament to God's Greatness. The greatness of the potential coupled with the invitations to heal were sufficient to keep me holding on. You can't communicate effectively with God with a strong pain body, one receiving regular doses of energy, because you don't realize or acknowledge the power of emotions in the conditioning of your soul.

You're beginning to appreciate the roles of positivity and negativity in creation and destruction. You're not yet able to transmute negativity to the degree necessary for you to achieve equilibrium (because, of course, it's not as simple a structure as positive = creation /negative = destruction). What you can do, and began practicing even before you understood why, is limit your exposure to disturbing stimuli. But, by all means, don't limit your exposure to life. Some shocks are therapeutic. Just put yourself around the people that are healthiest for you whenever possible. Another tool is to not be afraid to turn up the good. There is an element in your culture that makes it soft to be positive, and bad to be soft. You yourself don't fully trust the concept. But much of that comes from your pain body. He's hurt, angry, and wants redress in the present, for and in the past, and most of all, doesn't exist!

His organs are psychic complexes, his blood is shame and he feeds on fear in it's all it's forms (like Anger, Guilt, Disgust, and Worry). It can be called a body to the degree to which it all works together for it's intention, which is your destruction for failing to protect him and then for failing to secure the impossible redemption.

The reason it doesn't seem to you like you're at war with yourself is because you don't realize that every thing and person, and every event that causes you to suffer is a target of great volleys of hatred, not aimed at the stimuli, but directly at your projections of them (that you create and then identify with by assigning them energy according to some conscious or unconscious goal for that entity).

Those projects are inside you and part of you, so when you fire that energy, you feel the pain immediately. Now think of every little injustice you perceive, including those on TV or in the news. Every one that makes an impression has been reserved a little piece of you. The aesthetic and emotional energy you attribute to them  is realized by you, not the players, not the perpetrators, just you, unless you take it out on somebody else. The emotional or aesthetic energy you attribute to them comes from and remains in you. If you have hundreds of targets for your hate, your life is a mine field. Everything reminds you of something/someone you hate, and it hurts every time. You're literally poisoning yourself.

You can immediately get relief if you change the input to something less poisoning, or better yet, fully good! Another great tool, the best, come to think of it, is awareness. In the moment, where life takes place, is like a laboratory for noticing where and how all these things happen, and more importantly, for taking note of how each thought feels. Whether you're writing things down or not, a quality of moments to which you bring awareness is that they are always available to be worked within the self realization effort. But even though you really need to focus on yourself, you know that you do this through others. Right now your pain body is so heavy that you have nothing left for anything serious, but socializing is good for you.

You are chronocentric, imagining life as unfolding according to your own perception of time. For this reason, you find it particularly jarring to suddenly be surrounded by time senses of a variety of flavors, creating an explosion of alien moments. From the spiritual to the animal, a variety of engagements, even relations between moments, even flavors of moments. Such is the life of a sorcerer. When one is aware, she can be in the middle of such a storm for the purpose of helping someone, or for that of helping everyone by creating the experience of helping herself through!

Invitation: Live

August 2013

This afternoon, I was driving down the street. I had just decided to change the music, and was saying to myself something about how Reggae music has within it an invitation to live. That led to remembering the imperative that I'd gotten from the spirit, which was to live. Then the spirit show/told me that the prior message, which I had thought meant simply to start trying to have fun, was about all aspects of life, including participating in making a living, regardless of my loathing for that world. Actually, I should say my fear of it. The spirit show/told me that I drag myself through that world miserably, because, first and foremost, I don't feel confident or safe in it. All other considerations are secondary.


I remembered my friend James mentioning something I hadn't allowed myself to articulate, that maybe I could do better at work now that I've been growing so much. The spirit confirmed that remark an indicator that it's time to give it a try. He said that the suggestion to live was also a challenge, as it requires courage to live, as much to fully enjoy yourself as to earn your keep. And the challenge is issued in full knowledge of your capabilities, including those enhancements your friend referred to. You now have intimate knowledge of the power of awareness. You're committed to the Lord (I maintain, ironically, despite your lingering doubt). You have allies and access to the spirit world. You can write your experiences and have someone to talk to if you need help. You have all anyone else has.

You have one thing, though, that you could do without: the idea that you're missing something, an idea so deep-seated and entangled with your psyche that the only way to remove it is to see it, recognize it, distinguish it from you, and then drop it. But until you can do that, we must educate you to improve your vision. This is much easier when you are in meditation, and when you are  participating fully in life. So the prescription: Live, is intended to show you the next step in your healing process. The Zoloft plays an important role, as does the sacrament. But in order to deal with your fears you have to face them, fully present. There is no other way to learn these lessons.

Here's a meditation. Put on Michael Jackson's, With a Child's Heart. Follow the rhythm by nodding your head, tapping your foot or patting your lap with your hand. Follow the changes in the music. Notice what happens without trying to articulate it to yourself. Alternate between the elements you attend to in your mind. First, maybe the rhythm, including the physical accompaniment you're providing, now the chord progressions, now the lyrics. As you begin to sink into the stress relief of focused attention, see if you can't follow the music emotionally. It is known that certain chords and progressions affect the emotions in certain ways. Don't look it up. Take the opportunity to experience it. Again, you only need to notice for a few moments, that when this particular part came, it made you feel different than you did on the previous part, or maybe a certain feeling grows as the music approaches a change. Listening 2 or 3 times this way should be enough, or you may want to change the music.

Of course, the music may trigger unrelated thought progressions. That's fine. When you've exhausted this or that progression, come back to focusing on the music. If you have persistent or obsessive thoughts that make it difficult to stay with the music, take the opportunities that come. The music will often draw your attention back to it, and if you've been able to maintain your accompaniment, use it to anchor your thoughts, bringing them back to the beat.

At some point, it becomes possible to take a more distant, "bird's eye" view of the emotional and musical changes. I see it more like a river bank view, allowing me to experience to flow of emotions without following any of them. As you do it more often, you can choose different aspects to focus on, for however long. Obviously, there's an abundance of music to do this with. And it can be done with many styles of music as well. I maintain that for people for whom soul music is home, it might be the best medium. The lyrics in this particular song lend themselves to this activity because they are kind of a guided meditation already.

You are Not the One

March, 2012

Life ain’t that hard. All you have to do is walk through it. Take the opportunities that come your way. Make the moves that intellectually, subjectively and intuitively seem like they’re asking to be made, for they are. Remember again and again that you aren’t the one making all these things happen. You are one of the factors that contribute to their happening, and it is not given you to know which of the myriad factors contributing to any event is the most important. It might be you. It might not. You are definitely not controlling anything. And you don’t learn that without being still. And a very important lesson it is.

The closest you come to trying to be God is worrying. Worry is the mental attempt to create like God. You are literally trying to make magic happen with your mind. You don’t even realize that is what you’re doing. What a joy to know that all you have to do is follow the way put before you! You don’t have to run around anymore trying to find your way.
If you relinquish control to God, in your heart, go forward in the way gratefully, even if not always gladly, watch and see how quickly and deliberately you find yourself going where you really want to be. Worrying is a terrible waste of time, but not for the reason you might think. Time is your only opportunity in this present experience as a human that you can use the unique combination of tools and circumstances given you to work on becoming enlightened, the only purely worthwhile goal. You know you want this, and you know that God can help you have it.

Whatever feels like it should be taken up, take up. Whatever seems to have run its course or become out of place, let go. Opportunities will appear frequently to help others. Take those that feel right, but take as many of them as appear. Also, remember that it will be easier to be still when you relinquish the idea that you are creating your own life, because you can only do so in concert with the Lord, who lives in you, by following the path put before you and learning to create through spirit.

Think about the challenges that plague your soul. Do they not bother you because you feel you have to force something to happen? What if you just agreed for the time being to just walk through each step at a time, not agonizing over the absolute necessity that you succeed or be right or save face? You can’t yet imagine the relief, because you can’t remember a time when you lived that life, a time before surrender was even necessary. Just one step, cultivating the mental and emotional posture that you are not in control, and neither are you alone. You don’t have to be God to have a better life. Indeed, it’s the persistent effort to do so that makes it so difficult.

Wadjet

September 30, 2013

This is not Green Ribbon.
How do you know?
The Joy is missing.
What if the Joy that's missing is that you don't give?

I give plenty of Joy, you see?
So it must be what you don't give me.
or whom needs a little more just to be.
You wish for an outside reality.
But I'm your first parent, collectively.
Figure it out, you gotta figure it out.
Ahhh, there's the Joy
Yeah, Is it Green or not?

The spirit said to me, "The forms you identify in your mind are the energy of the thinking of thoughts. This is especially true for the things you have felt in your body, that you sometimes call your dad, a storm, a wall, Satan...You prefer to look at them as forms, as nouns. In reality, they are vibrations, mental movements which intensify based primarily on the energy put into them. With negative thoughts, residue of worry, shame and/or guilt interact with your need to control everything to form thought knots, whose number and size compound easily, and with which you have the power to create whole landscapes of negativity in your mind, at tremendous expenditure of energy both psychic and physical."

"Fortunately, you have the power to unravel these knots. As simple as it sounds, the answer is thinking thoughts that vibrate in the opposite direction of the knotted thoughts  - and by opposite I mean positive, because only negative thoughts generate worry, shame and guilt, and are subject to the kind of control you struggle to exercise over your devil. This is an experiment that is very simple to conduct. You don't try this because you are intimately familiar with your thought-knot hell, and know little of the world of emotional freedom. You hold on tightly to Satan (a thought knot particularly insidious by virtue of its appearing to hold before you a mirror), because he's what you know. You feel a certain loyalty to him, and that part of you even looks on these lessons with fear and resistance. Rest assured, that isn't who you are, and itself is, at root, nothing more than the thinking of a thought."