Friday, July 11, 2014

Breaking Weapons

I said that we should fight back, 
but I'm broken.
Well then, the spirit said, showing the way:
Fight back with that.
Then I could see my work as destiny.

Nothing else am I confident to use as a weapon. I'm tenacious and skilled in one thing however: trying to fix myself, to end the confusion, and end the pain. This is my thing, my occupation, and always has been. I haven't found any other thing suitable because I've been on a mission, and have been jealous of anything that tried to take me away from it. I believe this is even true for music, which I've discussed as if the love of my life. I didn't even want to commit to that.

Sure, the fear was the major factor, but there was also the unconscious knowledge that this or that  wasn't going to fix me, no matter how good it was. I felt reluctant to torture myself more than necessary for an activity that may be beside the point. I've needed to face fears, but have been in no way strong enough. That, or I'm deceiving myself. Who makes me aware of the unconscious knowledge?
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. He says, “Be still, and know that I am God
I do it too much, actually; analysis, which the ego tries to re-purpose for worry. Mostly with success. But that's another side. I see that there are too many facets and combinations of facets, which emerge and recede over time, 

that I'll never find happiness 
chasing them, only distraction.
And this project will help with that. It's potentially immense, and will deserve serious attention and energy. It will focus all that analytical energy, mix it with the creative, the devotional and the imaginative and set you free to build this bridge. 
I will fight with that which is a weapon because it is broken. A battle like that cannot even begin without forgiveness, self forgiveness. That is why that's your challenge, your weight to carry, your lesson. To learn and teach forgiveness.