What's Abundant

Source: Baedeker, Karl.

He says, “I know you're gonna do fine, Son. Just do your best and come home, win or lose. I love you.” I call him my Will, because that's what grows in me when he talks like that.

She says, “Go get 'em baby. Set your mind to it and go there. Come back and tell me all about it.” I call her my Intention, because I see what's abundant in me when I look in her eyes, and I decide. She loves to see me do that.

The reason you haven't healed is because you haven't experienced the pain, not fully. Pain has a cycle, and you arrest the cycle every time. Because you never reach the last part of the cycle, your development is arrested as well. 

Once you have expressed the pain, you will begin to feel more like you've fully experienced it, in a way that will allow you to say, “I've been through that.” You can't say that if you're not through it, though it take 38 years. You're in it, at least in the part where it lives you and distorts your orientation toward the world, and hence how the world receives and understands you. This is important, because the world is -or can be- the shaman's cave for you. If you are to heal, it will be with the participation of your world. 

Since there is no such thing as you all alone, how could there be a healing nestled only within your claustrophobic, frightened breast? That's the opposite of healing, and to the degree that you expect to find health all alone, you inhibit its manifestation, for you continually make yourself sick. You tear yourself apart every day, because you feel you are not prepared to start living. So you think and think and tell yourself you're having epiphanies. Ironically, you are. But epiphanies don't give you an iron will or intention. They simply offer lessons, personal lessons, in your case, that point in the direction of the will in you that you fail -no- refuse to see; or of the intention that you manifest regularly even when you forget it was ever established. 

The world is the classroom/shaman's cave. It is where you will learn to open up to your brother so that he can bring you through it, to share generously so you can feel included and invested. And your will and intention, having brought you this far, will take your hands and walk you to the yet unlearned, unexpressed knowledge, through the completion of your experiences and advancement to new lessons.