King of Your Own Self - August 12, 2014

 

You doubt me way too much

You can be happy soon.

You doubt me way  too much

You're scared to fall in love, too.

You doubt me way too much

Take ownership of this sorcery

You doubt me way too much

And you will be

The king of your own self

And all it means

King of your own self

It's not a dream

The music is like 

you're swimming in waves

Of things that touch my heart

Bass, Clave, clarinet

Everybody got a part

Alto, Soprano, Allegro, Dolce…

So when's yours start?

Play your part

Go ahead boy and play your part

Excuse me

I'm in pursuit of the spirit of it

Deny me not the luxury

For my quest is for all of us

Hardly, yet

At least not in your heart

But it's moving, and I'm growing

That's the only part I can see

Your eyes are only beginning to open

Breaking Weapons

I said that we should fight back, 

but I'm broken.

Well then, the spirit said, showing the way:

Fight back with that.

Then I could see my work as destiny.

Nothing else am I confident to use as a weapon. I'm tenacious and skilled in one thing however: trying to fix myself, to end the confusion, and end the pain. This is my thing, my occupation, and always has been. I haven't found any other thing suitable because I've been on a mission, and have been jealous of anything that tried to take me away from it. I believe this is even true for music, which I've discussed as if the love of my life. I didn't even want to commit to that.

Sure, the fear was the major factor, but there was also the unconscious knowledge that this or that  wasn't going to fix me, no matter how good it was. I felt reluctant to torture myself more than necessary for an activity that may be beside the point. I've needed to face fears, but have been in no way strong enough. That, or I'm deceiving myself. Who makes me aware of the unconscious knowledge?

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. He says, “Be still, and know that I am God

I do it too much, actually; analysis, which the ego tries to re-purpose for worry. Mostly with success. But that's another side. I see that there are too many facets and combinations of facets, which emerge and recede over time, 

that I'll never find happiness 

chasing them, only distraction.

 

And this project will help with that. It's potentially immense, and will deserve serious attention and energy. It will focus all that analytical energy, mix it with the creative, the devotional and the imaginative and set you free to build this bridge. 
 

I will fight with that which is a weapon because it is broken. A battle like that cannot even begin without forgiveness, self forgiveness. That is why that's your challenge, your weight to carry, your lesson. To learn and teach forgiveness.

What's Abundant

Source: Baedeker, Karl.

He says, “I know you're gonna do fine, Son. Just do your best and come home, win or lose. I love you.” I call him my Will, because that's what grows in me when he talks like that.

She says, “Go get 'em baby. Set your mind to it and go there. Come back and tell me all about it.” I call her my Intention, because I see what's abundant in me when I look in her eyes, and I decide. She loves to see me do that.

The reason you haven't healed is because you haven't experienced the pain, not fully. Pain has a cycle, and you arrest the cycle every time. Because you never reach the last part of the cycle, your development is arrested as well. 

Once you have expressed the pain, you will begin to feel more like you've fully experienced it, in a way that will allow you to say, “I've been through that.” You can't say that if you're not through it, though it take 38 years. You're in it, at least in the part where it lives you and distorts your orientation toward the world, and hence how the world receives and understands you. This is important, because the world is -or can be- the shaman's cave for you. If you are to heal, it will be with the participation of your world. 

Since there is no such thing as you all alone, how could there be a healing nestled only within your claustrophobic, frightened breast? That's the opposite of healing, and to the degree that you expect to find health all alone, you inhibit its manifestation, for you continually make yourself sick. You tear yourself apart every day, because you feel you are not prepared to start living. So you think and think and tell yourself you're having epiphanies. Ironically, you are. But epiphanies don't give you an iron will or intention. They simply offer lessons, personal lessons, in your case, that point in the direction of the will in you that you fail -no- refuse to see; or of the intention that you manifest regularly even when you forget it was ever established. 

The world is the classroom/shaman's cave. It is where you will learn to open up to your brother so that he can bring you through it, to share generously so you can feel included and invested. And your will and intention, having brought you this far, will take your hands and walk you to the yet unlearned, unexpressed knowledge, through the completion of your experiences and advancement to new lessons.

Goodness Wins

Time is the ego of eternity. It doesn't exist, yet is relentless in its quest to un-create you. Goodness wins, because ultimately there is only eternity, and time is forgotten. That is not to discount the invaluable evolution it engineers. Once this is complete, those who thereafter find themselves in time, will not know it as you do.

As above, so below. Time is the form of the ego in God and in us. We are weak because we needed to be for God to see through us. But that's not to imply that our need to see ourselves is not identical to God's. Indeed it's so, in a holographic form.

We are little Gods. But only in time. In eternity, We Are I Am. That is how we are created in her image. We share ego. Time is the window in which God sees himself, in all of us, and with all of us. Eternity gives birth in time, and you call it creation. 

When you have discovered all this, when you find it written into your cells, you will have taken an important step toward the collective acceptance of your godhood. At that point, you will hardly merit accusations of having egos. But for now they serve a purpose. What purpose? Say it with me now: Learning, together.

Feel What You Feel

That's what makes awareness so important, and so hard. I have to face thoughts I vigorously avoid as a matter of mental and emotional survival. For example, I'm right now hard pressed to escape the thought of a trivial confrontation with a family member. When I force myself to look right at the thought, I see that avoidance that can only be called repulsion. 

I can only hold that door open for a couple seconds at a time right now, but that's better than before. It's funny how that condition seemed to be hiding in plain sight. I mean, I often talk about the mechanism, while remaining almost entirely unaware that my relation to the thought of confrontation was so dense, somehow impenetrable. 

This is my inner reality for as long as I continue to invest in the creation and maintenance of it. Apparently, my recording of this fact can constitute a discovery, but not a realization. And while discoveries are important, they just a beginning. Be still and study the teachings. Feel what you feel. Act on the revelations whenever your capacity shares a moment with opportunity. Create movements based on this teaching. See.

With that Same Eye

Awareness is how you fight, know thyself is the weapon, not a trendy thing to say. Creating your own way is the sign that you have attained a measure of victory over fear. When we know, honestly and humbly, who we are, what motivates us, what inhibits us, our deepest need and desire, what we draw into our lives when present and again when absent: Victory.


When you can look at yourself and see only what's there, and appreciate the real potential for the changes you crave but right now may not even be fully aware of: enhanced value (in time) to the community as a spiritual resource, among other things.


When you can see your brother with that same eye: blessing to creation, and happy collector of blessings from the river in which they flow, the open channel. Happy even in darkness, in the valley of the shadow of death, for death holds only another vantage point from which to experience this majesty. 

And that's why angels want to come here. It's how they happen. In fact, to be an angel is to be in a stage of preparation for being born in time. That's why they exist. They're actually considered a bit crazy in the spiritual dimension, because they've begun the painful, time-modeled process of extracting their consciousness from the collective, and are losing the sense of being all and one - or being and not being simultaneously - that characterizes energies or potentials that seek no further experience in time. While babies appear to you to come into your world in a spiritually advanced state, you should "see" their souls before conception, still crazy to us, but to you they would be sages.

Liquid Sonic Light

I have the means to establish another channel of communion, or to widen the channel for myself and others. I see how music has served me over the years, exactly how it saved me. As an Indigo, I need personal connection more than most. This is the very thing severed by the incidents and actions of (most of) my early family experience. I gave up personal connection for security and safety, neither of which did I ever achieve. Of course, now I know that I was actually running from safety and security for 99% of the time I've lived cut off. 

By The CharlieBrowniest

Luckily, around that same time I began to exist between the notes and rests, the rhythms, melodies and harmonies, but most of all the notes sung or played with joy, grief or longing. I took refuge in music, is what occurred. I see the space as a close, dark cave whose walls could light as bright as the sun, and sound colors play my emotions in the reflection of the pool that never rages, and a grotto ceiling that lightening never threatens to destroy.

It has been in this place that I've encountered the soul of many a minister, in the realest sense of the word. These loving souls poured their heart-spirit nectar almost directly into my own soul, and for that, i could never properly express my gratitude. 

 You see, if this liquid sonic light had never soothed me, there's no way I could have survived my own habit-fortified exile. I need connection, and being so completely deprived of it is utter torture. It's been a lifetime, and I feel some of my antisocial habits, inspired by my fear of society, are beginning to fossilize. Apparently, this is no time to deny myself music.